A Wish, A Promise and A Prayer
by Bottlebrush
Summary: Sirius and Remus are in love, but Sirius doesn't know what to do about it. Sirius's pov. SBRL Slash.


A Wish, A Promise and a Prayer.

Rating: M.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter world and its characters. J. K. Rowling does.

Summary: Sirius and Remus are in love, and Sirius doesn't know quite what to do about it. Sirius's pov. SBRL slash.

The sixth year at Hogwarts was the most magical ever. It was the year I fell in love for the first and only time, and by a miraculous coincidence he loved me too. Remus, whom I'd taken for granted all those years, whom I'd thought of as a brother except that he was much more compatible than my real brother, loved me. I knew I didn't deserve anyone so wonderful, but I wasn't going to argue about it.

We became inseparable. We were everywhere together, and when we were out of other people's sight we kissed, and held each other, and touched each other's faces and heads and arms and shoulders. And always with these big silly grins which we couldn't help, and which were probably broadcasting our feelings to the whole school. Not that I cared. The truth is, I would have stood up in the Great Hall at dinnertime and kissed Remus in front of the whole school, I was so proud of him and of our love. But I knew he was more reserved; he wouldn't like to make a spectacle of us in public, and I didn't want to expose him to possible ridicule.

But I grew impatient. Remus seemed happy with things as they were, but I wanted to go further. The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted. I, who two years before had been the half-willing pupil of my cousin Bellatrix; I who in the past year had gone more or less all the way with no fewer than three girls (all older, experienced girls who had made it quite clear what they expected of me and, if I may say so without seeming boastful, were not disappointed); now found myself to be a complete novice. The difference, apart from the obvious, was the complication of loving someone who seemed to me, in my ignorance, to be delicate and fragile as a flower. I asked advice of James, who proved quite useless, being even more of a novice than I. He did go into some crude technicalities which I will not repeat here; sufficient to say I knew all about _that_, and it wasn't what I meant at all; we weren't yet ready for _that_.

So matters remained until one night after I had gone to bed and was about to extinguish the wand-light; my curtains parted and Remus appeared, wearing his cloak as if he intended to go outside. He sat on the edge of my bed. "I got tired of waiting for you to come to me, so I've come to you," he said. "If you don't want me here, just say, and I'll go."

"No, don't go," I said quickly.

He smiled and took off his cloak and I saw he was wearing nothing under it. He got into bed with me and took a handful of my pyjama top and tugged it. "Can we get rid of this stuff?" he said.

I sat up and took off my pyjamas.

He was sitting up too, still smiling in a way which made me nervous. Nobody, not even Bellatrix, had ever made me feel like that. He put his hands on my shoulders and firmly pushed me down on to the bed.

"Don't look so alarmed," he said, "I'm not ……" and he laughed. "I _was_ about to say, 'I'm not going to eat you,' but …… in a manner of speaking ……"

As he talked he was sliding down in the bed until I could only see the top of his head. I touched it. His hair felt soft and dry. He raised his head. "I've never done this before, so you'll have to tell me if I'm doing it wrong, okay?" he said, in a matter-of-fact voice as though discussing an experiment in Potions class.

I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing, unusually for me. Something was happening to me that had never happened before, things were being done to me that nobody had ever done. I was speechless, but not soundless. I am afraid I made an exhibition of myself, or whatever the aural equivalent of an exhibition might be.

Remus's grinning face appeared again, saying "Guess I did it right, then?" and at the same moment the curtains opened and Peter stood there, James behind him.

Peter said "Are you all right? I heard ……" and then he caught sight of Remus, and said "Oh." His face was a picture; his eyes and mouth alike round with surprise and his cheeks flaming red. Remus's face was buried in my chest and he was laughing helplessly. James said "Er …… congratulations. But do you think you could keep the noise down? You must have been heard all over Gryffindor tower, if not all over Hogwarts."

"Yes, sorry," I managed to say, and they left, Peter carefully closing the curtains.

Remus slid up until his face was level with mine. His eyes were bright with love and happiness, and I had never seen anything so beautiful. He whispered in my ear "Put your hands on me."

What did he mean? I was holding him with my hands. Then I understood. It didn't take long, and he was, mercifully, silent.

Afterwards he whispered in my ear again. "Let me stay here? I don't want to go back to my bed tonight. I won't take up much space. Please?"

I told him I wanted nothing more than to spend every night of my life in the same bed as him. He wriggled about a bit, getting himself comfortable, and in an incredibly short time he was asleep.

I watched him in the faint wand-light, loving the blessed peacefulness of his sleeping face, and I made a wish and a promise. I wished that no sorrow would ever come to him, and I promised that if it did, I would not be the cause. And I prayed that I would be able to keep that promise.

I awoke to bright morning sunshine and a memory that was both joyous and shameful. I was alone, which was to be expected, and soon I saw that James and Peter had gone too. I was going to be late for breakfast.

I dressed hurriedly, not bothering with a shower (though I don't doubt I needed one), all the while thinking what a total wretch I had been. Remus had given me his wonderful gift of love, and I had done nothing for him, nothing, until he had prompted me and then only the least…… I was a lousy lover, thoughtless and selfish, and if I had behaved like that to any of the girls I had been with, my inadequacy would have been public knowledge the next day. I knew that wouldn't happen with Remus, but it would serve me right if he wanted nothing more to do with me. That thought filled me with desolation.

When I arrived at the Great Hall, only a few scattered stragglers remained seated, and at the Gryffindor table just one, the one I had hoped and dreaded to see. I sat next to him and he smiled at me, a small, shy, anxious smile.

"I saved you some breakfast," he said, pointing his wand at a bowl of porridge to heat it up.

"Thanks," I mumbled, eating quickly, nervously. Things could be worse; he might be disappointed in me, but he didn't seem to be angry. He was calmly spreading marmalade on toast and eating it as though we had both spent the previous night asleep in our separate beds. I couldn't leave it at that.

"Last night – what you did for me –" I began.

"Been wanting to for years. Never thought you'd let me," he said through a mouthful of toast. "Technique will improve. I intend to get in lots of practice. That is, if it's all right with you."

It appeared an apology was not expected. But I had to say something.

"I'm the one who needs to improve," I said.

He looked at me and smiled. "You're perfect," he said.

I felt ashamed because I knew how far from the truth that was. I couldn't say anything.

"I thought of something else we could try," he went on cheerfully, "but we should find another place to do it, it's not fair on James and Peter to keep using the dormitory."

He stood, having eaten his toast and marmalade, and I got up too. He touched my face lightly and said "We're all right, aren't we? I was worried in case you might think I was too forward."

I looked around quickly. All the other latecomers had left. I pulled him to me.

It was meant to be quick and light, just a little kiss to say "Everything is all right" and "I love you". But we were young, and newly in love, and he put his arms around my neck in that way he had, and we pressed together and lost ourselves in the kiss.

The sound of hands clapping brought me back to earth. I broke away from Remus and looked around to see Snape standing sneering, clapping slowly.

"What a pretty sight," he said, "charming indeed. How I wish I had a camera to capture this moment."

I went for my wand, but Remus laid a hand on my arm, very gently but it was enough to stop me.

"I'm sorry we embarrassed you, Severus," he said quietly. "We didn't mean to. We didn't know you were there."

"Evidently not," Snape smirked. "You, Lupin, are the most despicable creature on earth, as of course you know. But you have nevertheless managed to trap this poor fool. You deserve each other."

"Haven't you got a class you're late for?" Remus asked. His voice was again quiet and even; nothing visible nor audible indicated the laughter bubbling up inside him, but I was somehow aware of it.

Snape swept out of the Hall, and only when he had completely disappeared from view did Remus turn to me and collapse in mirth. I laughed too, and for a moment we stood, supporting one another in helpless hilarity.

"Do you think that's true? That we deserve each other?" Remus asked when he was again able to speak.

Well, of course it wasn't. I could never deserve this beautiful, gentle, loving, _magical_ being. But I couldn't say that, it would have sounded false. So I just said "Yeah, s'pose so."

"You know," Remus said, "Snape is never going to keep this to himself. It will be all over the school before teatime."

I knew he was right. Snape must have fiercely resented being forbidden to speak of Remus being a werewolf. He would certainly not hold back this gossip titbit.

"What we could do is deny it," Remus went on, "and say he's lying. It would only be his word against ours."

At that I felt a cold shiver down my back. I don't know what I feared, or why.

"Is that what you want to do?" I asked.

"No," he said.

Relief flooded me. "Me neither," I said.

"Just as well," he said, laughing again, "nobody would believe us anyway." And he grabbed my hand and ran with it, so that I was forced to follow.

"We're going to be _so_ late for Transfiguration," he panted.

We were. We got detention. In the Astronomy Tower, observing the paths of Mars and Jupiter. There was no-one else working there that night. It was very enjoyable. Sometimes I think McGonagall knows more than she lets on.


End file.
